r1vermanab0at

Monday, September 05, 2016

Love.

the thing is in my previous beepees
I realised I was being excessively harsh on myself.
i feel Iam almost cruel to my own self sometimes.
why does my endless love not include my own self ? what about self compassion ?
self judgement is cruelty, too, one should love2 accept and love yourself as you are ...
~
yeah Iam and I was one of a kind dingbat ...
but i am equally and extremely well adjusted too.
i plainly and simply received too much deception for one life.
~
it also came my way cause I over indiswd on simplicity and innocence.
whoever were oppressive 2 my happiness, saw i was simple, and took advantage.
i kept trusting ....it won't be that way this time ..
and honestly.
still it is better to trust ...and lose it ...
then to be cold hearted and not ...
...
so anyway
it's better 2 insist on innocence than not.
this is my ...end.. ..
i wish garishness was my deal, but it isn't..
..
then my Muslim friends ...who could see my ...
confusion a day said -
Allah ke aagey Sab nangey kgharey hain

~dekha jaye toh sach hie hai.
....
phir bhi apney ko dhaanktey rehna yehie
humara ussool hona chahiye
....
anyway..
....
so what exactly an I trying to say by my today's.. want ....
~ I am still discovering unfolding fitting and decoding

but one of these is:
# yes I do not wana remain this excessively unhappy or in a rut or not being able to fully forgive my past hurts &move on.
.
#yes I wana accept myself as I am &work towards better and better n super beautiful future for me and for all ....

~ yet this stage is the mix ...where I am yet to feel tge sense of liberation ..there is still suffering 2 be released ......

i am desperate if I am not able to seek any original solutions to self. that making me xrestless.
.

~one day at a time
one baby step at a time
as long as there is a vision
it has 2 happen
....
♡♡♡
considering the wayvi was .
one day in usa
i was forced 2 ask myself this question
..
why did I come here at all
why did I do this
why all this misplacermrmt
...
i went back on my time and realised
.
i was tead scared while i was boarding those flights
i was lonely extremely
hurt miserably
and just armedcwith a vision
a resolute sense of idealism
inside of me and nothing else
why should that make a woman
risk herself thousands n thousands of miles away?
...
pat came the answer!
...
it was finally the eve's Apple!
all that innocence has to drop
it was late in time
but I guess
i had to chew on my humble apple bite
i had to travel so far away, put so much distance and risk in the middle
2 gain sumthing that wasn't coming my way
i was forcing providence for supplication
..
anyway
I'm still some way away.
..
hopefully tommorrow, in one day
all love will be mine
&; another phool in lover's paradise
will rise
to merit her shine.
..
khuda hafiz ..every 1 ..
Ramadan kareim.


( iwrote this during ramzan. so i am leaving it this way. thanks to all. ) 
take care. 
a'love yll

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